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Literature by Brici5

poetry by firmacomdesign


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Submitted on
January 30, 2012
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1.8 KB
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You're such a dazzling man
I'll have you for my own
You'll be at my command
When I get you alone

Sashaying down the street
I flick my eyes towards yours
You glance and feel complete
And you're drawn to the source

Feet walk of their own accord
You're like a moth to my flame
Get ready to be adored
And after, you won't be the same
You'll never be the same

You're gonna be
Breathless, breathless
I'll make you lose your mind
I'll kiss you
Caress you
Until you lose track of time

Breathless, breathless
Before this passion that reigns
If I were you
I'd let this, let this
Be your surrender
You're already tamed...

But really, who can tell
The mistress from the slave?
I feel that spark as well
And I can't be saved

I meant to crush your heart
Toss you around like a toy
But I can't play my part
I'm done with the ploy

When I hold you in my arms
I'll never know why you're there
Can't help but feel such alarm
'Cause I took you by force, unawares
You didn't stand a chance

Remove your shackles, your chains
No incantations or spells
Love potion's poured down the drain
And I'll stop the hypnosis as well
Doubtless your love will wane...

Can't believe my eyes! I'm
Breathless, breathless
You come up from behind
You take me
Embrace me
Erase the
Tears from my eyes

Breathless, breathless
Before this passion that reigns
I never will forget this pure bliss
My first surrender
My heart has been claimed
A song about a predatory vixen who falls in love with her prey. You can hear it here: [link] For critiques, it would be super if you could read the lyrics first, then listen to the song. I'm curious to know what the lyrics sound like to someone who doesn't know the melody yet.
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:iconchrysalis-of-glass:
Critique for Tamed, by Molybdenum-Blues

:iconwriters--club:

In general, comb back over your poem, and try to reprocess your thoughts in new and interesting ways. Adding more figurative language, especially if it is used in a way that is creative and relatable, can really make an idea sparkle. Also think about syntax and rhythm; use longer sentences and/or trochaic meter when describing things. Short or fragmented sentences that are roughly iambic/anapestic will highlight a particular line; use these to emphasize the most important lines and words. In short, the meter and syntax change when the mood, etc. of the poem changes.

People have been writing about love for centuries, and repetition can dull even the most profound and overpowering feelings in the world. Because of this, it is especially important for love poems to express themselves in the most fresh and powerful phrases as possible, so that they may be as powerful and memorable as any other poem.

But most importantly, remember that poetry is about recreating an experience for the reader. To accomplish this, seek out the words that best express the emotions and sensations that you wish to convey. This does not necessarily mean adding lots of adjectives; instead, try to make the nouns and verbs as rich in imagery as possible.

You’ve already incorporated a loose rhyme scheme, but think about adding some other sound devices, as well. Alliteration, euphony and cacophony can lend your words a musical quality, and draw attention to the more important words and ideas within the line.

Here are a few specific places that you may want to look over; I won’t point out everything - just think of these as examples.

S1 (Stanza One) “You’re such a dazzling man” – Instead of telling the reader that the man is dazzling, try being more specific. What makes him so dazzling? Describe his dazzle-esque qualities, and let the reader infer from these that he is indeed a dazzling man. And then try communicating these qualities using expressive, sensation-rich words.

S1 “I’ll have you for my own / You’ll be . . . . get you alone” – This section might be more compelling by showing the reader what you mean to tell them. The narrator’s word choice, etc., could imply how much she wants to have and dominate him. By twisting and reshaping your ideas into a string of vivid words in their most powerful order, as well, you may also add an extra punch to your writing.

S2 I really like the lines, “Sashaying down the street / I flick my eyes towards yours”. The alliteration you use is interesting, and the emphasized “s” sound is consistent with the smoothness and grace of the flirting vixen. And “flick my eyes” also adds a wonderful detail that the reader can visualize.

S2 “You glance and feel complete / And you’re drawn to the source” – These lines might also benefit from some description, idea-twisting and syntax revision. What does “complete” feel like? Can you compare it to something else to convey this sense of wholeness? In addition, “drawn to the source” is a somewhat overused phrase; consider replacing it with a phrase, metaphor, etc. that is less predictable and familiar. Through repetition, words become blander, and by using the freshest and most original words possible, you can make the greatest emotional and sensory impact on your audience.

S10 “Can’t believe my eyes! . . .” is also a little cliché. How else can you convey the narrator’s wonder/disbelief/surprise? How does she physically react to his unflagging affection?

S10 The ideas that you express in the rest of the stanza are very powerful and sincere. The parallelism you use is very effective, but consider adding more sensory information about this moment. What does the hug feel like? What are some synonyms for embrace that would better convey the sensation of a hug? On a different note, “Come up from behind” is also a bit of a cliché, and (cough-cough) has a less wholesome connotation which I do not believe you intended to convey. This line may not even be necessary for the meaning; if it’s too difficult to revise, consider leaving it out. And finally, the line break between “Erase the / Tears from my eyes” disrupts the parallelism rather messily; perhaps combine them into one line, instead.

S11 Your last and first stanzas are the most important, so try to spend extra time making each fresh and vivid. Consider leaving out “Before this passion that reigns”; I don’t believe it contributes enough. And, instead of telling the reader about how unforgettable the experience was, try describing what made it so special, and how it felt. Also, referring back to a particularly powerful metaphor or phrase from earlier in the poem may help create a sense of conclusion.

S11 I’m not particularly fond of the phrase, “My first surrender / My heart has been claimed”. Omitting this line may be for the best; otherwise, reprocess the idea to make it as fresh and powerful as possible. The man changes the woman’s outlook on romance; before, she was jaded and manipulative, but now she has found meaning and fulfillment in love. Essentially, she has regained her innocence and vulnerablility.

You already have good ideas and a promising poem. But it has the potential to be a captivating poem, song, or narrative, and with a bit of time and work, it could become all of these. Keep writing!
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:iconsecretsister16:
Secretsister16 Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2012  Student Artist
I like it now im going to listen to the song.
Reply
:iconmolybdenum-blues:
Molybdenum-Blues Featured By Owner May 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you dearly! Hope you liked the song :)
Reply
:iconsecretsister16:
Secretsister16 Featured By Owner May 11, 2012  Student Artist
I did your real good :D
Reply
:iconcold-temptation:
Cold-Temptation Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2012   Writer
Stunning~ It feels almost... primal, which is both a curious and intriguing thing~ I quite like it, and now I'll scamper off to listen to the song and hear your singing voice~
Reply
:iconmolybdenum-blues:
Molybdenum-Blues Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks, you are so kind! Oooh, "primal"! :squee:
Reply
:iconshuyintheenigmatic:
ShuyinTheEnigmatic Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2012  Student Writer
Pretty nicely written.
Reply
:iconmolybdenum-blues:
Molybdenum-Blues Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks, you are kind!
Reply
:iconshuyintheenigmatic:
ShuyinTheEnigmatic Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2012  Student Writer
Welcome!
Reply
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