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Submitted on
January 30, 2012
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1.1 KB
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138
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14 (who?)
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4
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I saw his face in a dream
We were walking to the ocean
I know not all's what it seems
But we embraced with such devotion

We stared straight into the horizon with all its pleasures
And spoke with bated breath of the future and all its treasures
I woke and thought to myself
Who was that man?
This is something that I still need to understand

And I wonder if that time will come
Will I hold you in my arms someday?
And I wonder what that dream has done
And will this life ever be the same?

Though years have passed since that dream
I'm still filled with such emotion
I know not what it could mean
But the spell was highly potent
For who has ever forgotten a vision so sublime
I wait, I'm anxious for all of the story to unwind

And I wonder if that time will come
Will I hold you in my arms someday?
And I wonder what that dream has done
And will our lives ever be the same?
I had a dream of a man. And I later met him in waking life (I think?) So this is a song about it. I'm still writing more verses for this.

Sorry, I don't have a recording of this yet, but once I make one, I'll post the link so you can hear the melody too.

See more of my songs in my featured gallery: [link]
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:iconmysticstar875:
Mysticstar875 Jun 7, 2012  Student Writer
I do like it! Really, that's why it's in my favorites, of course. But there are a few things I've taken notice of. You use filler words. Words that are unneeded and can make the poem seem less flowing. For instance: in the second separate part of this poem in the third stanza. It says:

"I woke and thought to myself"

It really doesn't need the "too myself" because 1) we get the fact that you're thinking to yourself 2) it stops the rhythm and confuses the poem.

I like the pattern in the second and fourth part of the poem. It has a change in the way each stanza works with the next, and then returns to the original pattern after. And I think it's quite interesting that even the two part are even different from each other. The first is like AA b CC and the second, like DE De Ff. I use the non capital letters to show that it sounds similar, but doesn't completely rhyme.

But, as the same problem before, in the last two stanzas in the fourth part of the poem it gets too filly. Sometimes, I must say, filler words are good. Especially when you need to keep the rhythm going. But the words you've used there are quite unneeded.

"Who has ever forgotten a vision so sublime
I wait, I'm anxious for all of the story to unwind"

Here are the words I'd leave out: ever, I'm, all, of.

But yet, I'm judging this as though it were a poem and not a song. I don't know how you're going to put this into music, so I can't quite critique it well enough without this crucial element. And I am a musician, so I can give my honest opinion and be pretty good about it. So basically, you can keep it as you want, because these are words for a poem ;)
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:iconmolybdenum-blues:
Molybdenum-Blues Aug 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Hi! Thank you so much for your thoughtful and detailed critique of this song! Yeah, some of those words sound pretty ridiculous--and I did add them because I'm fitting the words to the melody of the song. But I've been unhappy with how many of the lines sound and I will try to update it with your suggestions. Thanks again for taking the time to critique my work!
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:iconflyffel:
Flyffel Apr 25, 2012  Student
"Walking in the crowd
I see a familiar face."
x)
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:iconmolybdenum-blues:
Molybdenum-Blues May 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:)
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